Artist: Chris Moyles f/ Dido Album: www.chrismoyles.net Song: Santa Stan Typed by: ÇexyÇy *This track was recorded for the radio use and as such all pauses in the words are fully intentional and are not censoring edits. There is no "explicit version" of this track. The gaps will appear as "____" **This track is a parody of Stan by Eminem f/ Dido. Chris Moyles speaks with a mock American accent. [Dido] My tea's gone cold I'm wondering why I got out of bed at all The morning rain clouds up my window (window)..and I can't see at all And even if I could it'd all be gray, But your picture on my wall It reminds me, that it's not so bad, it's not so bad.. My tea's gone cold I'm wondering why I got out of bed at all The morning rain clouds up my window (window)..and I can't see at all And even if I could it'd all be gray, But your picture on my wall It reminds me, that it's not so bad, it's not so bad.. [Chris Moyles as Slim] Dear Santa, I wrote you but you still ain't callin' Christmas is just around the corner and snow is fallin' I sent two letters back in Autumn, I guess you haven't got 'em yet Unless you did and you just haven't replied you fat lazy git What's up man, you been out again playin' golf? Anyways, what's happenin'? Say "Hi" to my mate Rudolph I think he's a crazy reindeer as it goes With them silly dumb-ass antlers, man and that crazy red nose Anyway forget about that ____, man here's my present list I hope I get what I want or else I'll be well ____ I want one of them scooters to ride around on A Kylie Minogue calendar and a Goddamn Pokémon Hey, what about those toys from TV's "Robot Wars"? That ain't difficult, you get 'em in all department stores Anyways, I gotta go now Santa, gotta go down the gym To stay trim Write back soon, this is Slim [Dido] My tea's gone cold I'm wondering why I got out of bed at all The morning rain clouds up my window (window)..and I can't see at all And even if I could it'd all be gray, But your picture on my wall It reminds me, that it's not so bad, it's not so bad.. [Chris Moyles as Slim] Dear Santa, You still ain't called or wrote, what's going on? I've been thinkin' that I've done somethin' wrong I wrote you already man, in fact I wrote t'you twice This year I ain't been naughty, man I been real nice By the way, be careful round this neighbourhood, don't get whacked I don't want my presents been stolen out your big sack I'm gonna leave some mince pies at the bottom of the chimney Hey Santa, you gonna write back, fax me, ring me My girlfriend thinks I'm strange, I talk about you all the time I can't wait to meet you Santa when you come round to mine Don't forget my presents man, I need that Pikachu If I don't get it, no talkin' from me I'll be eating reindeer stew Ah, didn't mean to threaten you man, that's just my way Hey, any chance when you can come I can ride your magic sleigh? Anyways Santa, go get my presents ready I got go see my lady Write back soon, this is Shady [Dido] My tea's gone cold I'm wondering why I got out of bed at all The morning rain clouds up my window (window)..and I can't see at all And even if I could it'd all be gray, But your picture on my wall It reminds me, that it's not so bad, it's not so bad.. [Chris Moyles as Slim] Dear Mr "I'm too busy eatin' mince pies to write to my fans" You big fat red mother _____ I've been sending you letters for six months now Why ain't you been writing back?! You fat lazy cow! I hope you choke whilst drinking your egg nog You silly fat ugly lazy pig-dog Sittin' on your fat ass talking to Rudolph and Blitzen I'm here with no presents man, I'm ______ bitchin' You ain't wrote back man, that crime is heinous I hope Rudolph's antlers kebab your tiny _____ I hope you fall off that sleigh and land in yellow snow! You come down my chimney, I'll tell you where to go! When you get to the bottom, don't be expectin' mince pies! You'll be talkin' to my fist, right between your ______ eyes! How you gonna fly when your sleigh is out on bricks? You and your stupid reindeer, you bunch of ______ I'm cycling in the rain on my 10-speed bike But when I rock the mic, I rock the mic right! All I wanted was presents, but you couldn't stop meddlin' (screaming) Hey shut up elf and keep on peddlin'! Sorry Santa, that's one of your elfs going side saddle I found him last night, so I'm taking him for a paddle So Santa, it seems you're ____ out of luck You can shove christmas up your ass you fat..., woahhh!! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! (water splashes and unintellible gurgling sounds) [Dido] My tea's gone cold I'm wondering why I got out of bed at all The morning rain clouds up my window (window)..and I can't see at all And even if I could it'd all be gray, But your picture on my wall It reminds me, that it's not so bad, it's not so bad.. [Chris Moyles as Santa] Dear Slim, I meant to write you sooner, but I've been busy All this flying business makes me quite dizzy I'm flattered that you talk about me all the time Your girlfriend shouldn't get upset, it's hardly a crime However, here's a question I'd like to ask if I'm able Have you ever been described as been slightly unstable? The reason I ask is that you want a Pikachu That toy's for a five year old, what the _____'s wrong with you? As for kidnapping my elf, not a good plan I'll rip your ______ head off, you crazy mad man I'm gonna bust you up bad, you dirty little scrote I'll rip your head off and shove a Pokémon down your throat You don't deserve any presents 'cause you're ______ loopy You soft pussy of a girl, I'm not gonna give you a snoopy 'Cause you bust my balls for so long, here's what I'll do On the night of Christmas Eve, I'm coming to get you You see I may be Santa, but I'm rock hard I could kill a man with just a Christmas card When you stole my elf, you made me sick I've had elfs stolen from me before you thick ______ There was this one guy, had an elf on a bike Drove him into a river late one night And in the basket in the front there was a letter But it didn't say who it was to Come to think about it, huh, it was you Damn